Months later wisps of memories manage to escape through cracks in the glass, clay, bricks, reinforced steel I have tried too hard to build around the good parts. Parts which make the aftermath that much more difficult to bear. Smiles, lingering looks, plans for the future, I Love Yous, a dance, stolen hand holds on dusty roads, partnership, teamwork. No more. I don’t want any of this to matter, but it still does. And while I can leave it all behind and still keep my head held high, questions that can never be answered come back in drips, streams, floods meant to disturb that need to purposefully, mindfully be shaken off.
Integrity is not insisting on laying blame on everyone and everything except yourself for the troubles that stem from your rejection of reality and lack of responsibility. Lashing out at an outreached hand meant to steady your wavering is not showing Love. Integrity is not secrecy and deception. Love and Integrity are choices, character built from the accumulation of tiny decisions and worked on every day, not dependent on circumstance or the actions of others. I hope someday you will realize how to own and practice them yourself. Until then, farewell sweet Simba, Simba who in the end was not so sweet, may you go in peace.
2010 was the year of travel and adventure, of exploring and shifting world views, of experiencing seasons for the first time in 4 years, of ending chapters and rediscovering home. 2011 will bring a PhD program, a more inspired way of living, and hopefully enough stability to include a cat and a piano (hey, a girl can dream!). Bring on 2011! I welcome you with open arms.