Integrity & Love

Months later wisps of memories manage to escape through cracks in the glass, clay, bricks, reinforced steel I have tried too hard to build around the good parts. Parts which make the aftermath that much more difficult to bear. Smiles, lingering looks, plans for the future, I Love Yous, a dance, stolen hand holds on dusty roads, partnership, teamwork. No more. I don’t want any of this to matter, but it still does. And while I can leave it all behind and still keep my head held high, questions that can never be answered come back in drips, streams, floods meant to disturb that need to purposefully, mindfully be shaken off.

**************

Integrity is not insisting on laying blame on everyone and everything except yourself for the troubles that stem from your rejection of reality and lack of responsibility. Lashing out at an outreached hand meant to steady your wavering is not showing Love. Integrity is not secrecy and deception. Love and Integrity are choices, character built from the accumulation of tiny decisions and worked on every day, not dependent on circumstance or the actions of others. I hope someday you will realize how to own and practice them yourself. Until then, farewell sweet Simba, Simba who in the end was not so sweet, may you go in peace.

**************

2010 was the year of travel and adventure, of exploring and shifting world views, of experiencing seasons for the first time in 4 years, of ending chapters and rediscovering home. 2011 will bring a PhD program, a more inspired way of living, and hopefully enough stability to include a cat and a piano (hey, a girl can dream!).  Bring on 2011! I welcome you with open arms.

Peace,
Petunia

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About Petunia

She wore rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes And I knew without asking she was into the blues She wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls I knew right away she was not like other girls ~The Grateful Dead
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7 Responses to Integrity & Love

  1. mom says:

    Wise on all counts, my sweet. The Freudian slip in the first line (mange…) shows
    those painful memory shards will eventually find a place where they turn into scarred tracings you can finger without oozing blood. Right now they hold their rightful place as a reminder of your sensitivity and openness… two of your beautiful qualities never to be withheld. Remember to take care of yourself ~ be kind & gentle to your soul. Blessings for the new year.

  2. RW says:

    This is why I wish you’d write more. Happy New year to you too!

  3. Grandma says:

    Love when it’s blocked means pain.You can kill the love but lose a part of yourself. Many years ago I read the bio of Carrie Ten Boom . When you wished Simba peace you followed Her father’s advice when she lost her only true love to transfer that love so she would not kill the sense of joy and wonder that were awakened by their relationship.You are a remarkable , strong woman.I am so proud to know you!

  4. M.Lane says:

    How lovely and sad this post is. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out but I look forward to seeing more of your adventures in 2011!

    ML
    mlanesepic.blogspot.com

  5. Petunia says:

    Thank you everyone for your kind words. It wasn’t the easiest post to write but now that the elephant has left the room I feel like I can put the topic aside and move on to write about other things!

  6. Kyle says:

    Woah, you have a new blog. I thought your old blog had just died and you left the internets. Glad to have found you again.

    May 2011 be filled with less painful memories and nothing but good things for you!

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