LSD in my coffee

This latest move has not been easy. In fact, it has been one of the most difficult. Given how often I move that is saying something. Moving to Juba was a piece of cake compared to this. Not the logistics, but the mental and emotional weight. Settling in is taking a long time, longer than I want to give myself at least, which given my impatient nature is a blink of an eye. Maybe it’s the language barrier, maybe it’s fallout from the end of a very intense and exhausting relationship, maybe I’m just getting older and moving countries no long has the shiny new quality it used do. Whatever the reason, I have uncharacteristically been second guessing myself and the decision that led to me moving here quite a bit, which was then exacerbated when the perfect job for me opened up with my former employer this past week.

Immediately my mind goes into overdrive, anxiety billows in closing off any possibility of rational thinking and slowly shrinking me into a smaller and smaller cardboard box: if only I had waited  a few more months, if only I had been more proactive about speaking directly to the heads of the various departments instead of relying on HR, what am I doing here, if only I had listened to my gut more, if only if only if only. Ugh, even writing this is weighing me down and frankly I don’t need that garbage.

Two days later, something in my line of thinking abruptly broke. I was walking to the grocery store on the first warm sunny spring Friday afternoon of the year, sunglasses on, canvas bag slung over my shoulder, breathing in the day, being aware of my steps, and it was like everything zeroed in into a tiny point of light.

For the first time I was acutely aware that I am, 100%, exactly the person I always wanted to be, living the life I always knew I wanted to live, and not only that but I am also precisely the person I am meant to be in order to fit into my place in the world.

Because of that, whether or not I am in a relationship, where I happen to be living, and what my specific job happens to be lose their relevance in the grand scheme of things. It is such a liberating feeling. No matter what I choose to do, life is good and I will be fine. As a consequence I no longer care as much about that other job and have no more fear about living here.

Whoa. Did someone slip LSD into my coffee?

I should walk to the grocery store more often. I wonder if other destinations have the same or a different effect. I’m totally starting a case control study.

 

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About Petunia

She wore rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes And I knew without asking she was into the blues She wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls I knew right away she was not like other girls ~The Grateful Dead
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2 Responses to LSD in my coffee

  1. you had a moment of satori, a Zen concept of sudden insight resulting in beautiful awareness, or to add my own spin to how someone once described it, a wonderful whack upside the head.

    nice. it won’t stay — as Jack Kornfield described it, “After ecstasy, the laundry” — but it will happen again.

    as always, thanks for allowing us in.

    • Petunia says:

      Satori? Rock on. I’m sure it will wear off eventually. But it has been a fantastic couple days while it’s lasting. AND I even managed to do some laundry in the middle of it.

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